This post is intended to be a bit cathartic. I am hoping that in writing it I will tap into my Greek heritage a bit and purify, cleanse, and purge myself of all traces of the homesickness that is currently plaguing me. I remember first encountering the word 'catharsis' in my high school sophomore English class and thinking it would probably come in handy in my future. Here we are nearly ten years later (wow!) and I'm living on a different continent, in a different country, in a different university, with different supermarkets filled with different brands of cereal...I am in need of a catharsis.
My uncle teased me once that Facebook was actually a brag book. He called my attention to status updates and the rarity of the 'negative status' or unflattering profile pic that wasn't serving some comedic function. I've found it's definitely true. Facebook is a stage to play out the extreme dramas of our lives, or lack thereof in some cases. I've been fortunate to have lots of happy updates to make since I moved across the pond, but every once in a while I wish I could just say 'I'm not having a good day today.' I say this to purge (for the sake of the catharsis at hand), while in reality most of my days here are amazing...I am ever becoming more and more musically fulfilled; the more I get my voice out the more opportunities seem to come my way, and I depend on those opportunities to fuel my discipline and drive. That being said, I'm tired. I've said to many people that this course gives me a luxurious amount of time to delve into the music I'm passionate about, and to read and learn, and grow as a performer. But time continues to tick, and even that sense of luxury is proving to be a bit deceiving. There is so much to do in such little time. Three recitals in one year! Where did term two even go?? I can not believe there are only two weeks of classes left before this term ends, and then it's our nearly 6-week spring break. Apparently this is the phase when I experience the pressure of utter self-discipline. During my Easter holiday, when I'm planning to travel at the very least to Italy and France, I'm also going to have to prepare my recital, conduct all of the research I've been delaying for various reasons, and write my next essay. I also have to prepare my audition for Genesis Sixteen. This might be the most challenging phase of my academic career thus far. And, naturally, it seems to be happening at a period of - I hope - intense growth in my musicianship.
I don't know how others cope with the experience of feeling overwhelmed, but I have a tendency, which I've always linked to the annoying perfectionist in me, to shut down in times of extreme stress or overwhelm. It's as if my body wants to go to sleep, or hide from everything it knows it has to do exceedingly well in order to satisfy this soul of mine. I've been busy with lots of performing over the last few weeks (learning a very challenging piece of contemporary music in about three days, getting to sing my second St. Matthew Passion in one year!), so it is not as though I've actually shut down in some depressive funk or anything this time, but I am feeling intense pangs of homesickness, which is a new experience for me being in this place I've come to love so much, despite its distance from all that has been familiar and lovely for most of my life. Anyway, I've decided to attempt to ward off any impending slumps by engaging in a catharsis now. I think the best way to do this, as explained by my afore-mentioned high school English teacher, is to face those things that I'm aching from and for head on and see where it takes me.
For starters, My Friends back home...The last week, and the coming weeks are presenting all sorts of reunion opportunities for many of the loves of my life. The wedding of a friend, former colleague, and the girl who has my favorite voice in the entire world was last weekend and lots of my friends got to be together and go see her start the rest of her life with the man she's loved for almost as long as I've known her. What a beautiful event, and what an occasion to start missing everybody back home a lot, knowing they get to be together and celebrate. Additionally, in a couple of weeks everybody who's anybody is going to the ACDA (American Choral Directors' Association) Festival in Chicago. Emotional challenge number one: Chicago may be my favorite city; two: I LOVE ACDA FESTIVALS; three: lots of my friends are all flying in from around the country to go together and I can't go : (
Change, or, the Breakup: I sometimes don't deal well with change. I don't tend to like change very much- ironic, I know, since I just entirely shifted my life from one part of the world to another. Still, when extreme happens it has this unparalleled ability to make me achy and heartsick. My best friend broke up with her boyfriend of over four years today...Not only is it a huge change in her life, but in mine too, because he had become a big part of my life over the years too. He was there to take care of me when I had my own very painful breakup, and I've come to love him so much over the years, to consider him a regular part of my life. What's wonderful, at least, is that he's wonderful and I know I don't have to say goodbye to a friend. In fact, I'm gratefully certain I'll get to keep track of him thanks to Facebook. So, here I am trying to be the supportive friend to both my best friend and her ex, and my heart aches for him, and for a sweet time that's now becoming a happy memory. Even more so, of course, it aches for my best friend. Since, and even long before she made me 'woman up' and buy my own tampons for the first time while singing 'you make me feel like a natural woman' at the top of our lungs in Wal-Mart, my Elizabeth has been my world. And my world is big, so that's saying something! She is the most spirited, giving, fun person in the entire history of ever. Seriously, I found her! When I was 14! No need to keep searching - I know right where she is! And I get to talk to her a lot! And I also happen to look up to her in inexplicable ways. In addition to knowing exactly how to make you laugh when no one else can, no one in the universe can play with your hair and make the worst hurts feel better the way she can. And right now it's my turn, and all I wish I could do is to give the smallest bit of that comfort back to her, but it's impossibly difficult to do with an ocean between us. The same Facebook that's helping me deal with my distance from him, is just making me feel farther away from her. We are connected in so many ways, and I just hope so much that she knows, somehow, that today our connectedness was more than transcontinental. That every happiness of mine is freely hers to soak up for as long as she needs it/me.
Self Image: I have lost nearly 30 pounds in the last year, a little less than half of which I've lost since moving to the UK. I have a long way to go, and it's something I don't talk much to anyone about because it's a very personal struggle of mine. A big part of my new year resolution was to have a (not idealistic, but) better self image. Part of achieving this, I knew, was to continue my weight loss and also try to engage in lots more physical activity throughout/despite the lingering winter lull. I'm extremely proud and excited by the progress I'm making. I have, admittedly, never been able to say out loud that I feel like I'm physically beautiful. But I'm making strides, and I've felt it a lot more lately. Perhaps it's the beautiful company I'm blessed to keep, but I'm feeling more and more confident every day. I know it's in part because I'm achieving goals, but it's also because I'm realizing that these goals are just bringing me closer to what I already am. Which brings me to the next struggle of my 'now' - the Unrequited love of my life. The pressure I've put on myself to be physically what I know I am capable of being is thrilling, especially since I'm making such rapid progress, but it can also be extremely draining, emotionally and physically. And while I know it's not directly linked, I do acknowledge that part of my poor self image probably relates to the fact that I have the greatest unrequited love story I've ever heard, and that I live it every day, and that I fight feeling not beautiful enough with just about every breath I take. This is not helpful when you're a performer and have to stand up in front of audiences who you know are equally enjoying and critiquing your every sound, move, gesture, physicality, etc...But like I said, I'm getting there. I'm starting to find that I'm able to put on a great dress and stand up and yes, even feel pretty, or at least confident. I'm also making strides to acknowledge, in this process, that an unrequited love has to be left behind eventually, and can't determine the way we value our selves. It seems it's time to fully commit to moving beyond the limitations of no commitment, which is utterly liberating in theory, but it's also another one of these changes I don't like very much. And it also hurts a lot. Seriously, giving up hope that someone you love deeply might love you back one day is prettyyyy hard, especially when you're as stubborn, evidently unrealistic, and dreamily romantic as I am. I'm applying for my PhD in Performance, and will submit my application within the next few days, in hopes of staying in York for at least another three years. This is a huge step in my life. HUGE. Basically, as I write my proposal to stay, all of these things that I'm apparently working out in this cathartic post of mine are having to be ignored, or at least shuffled far out of view. Writing this proposal and letter of intent involves declaring everything I love about right now, where I am, the future I envision here, among many other things. It's somewhat challenging to do this when you're wishing someone would just say 'don't stay away from me another three years'. But it seems that's not what God has in mind for me. And keeping in line with previous posts, I'm trying my best to quiet myself, let go, and just listen. My mom has always said she believes God knows the desires of our hearts. This verse says he gives them to us. I like her version better. I know that he doesn't always give them to us the way we imagine them into being, and I think it's time to just be patient, rest, and see what comes to pass:
“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass … Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.” (Psalm 37:4,7)
Family: My Poppop had a surgery on his foot just after Christmas, and it has been a huge ordeal for my Aunt RaRa having to care for my beautiful, spirited Nana, who also happens to be a handful, and at least as high maintenance as I am : ) I am utterly amazed by the way that my Aunt, Uncles, and cousins have been caring for two of the people I love most in this world, but I've also felt extreme guilt not being able to be there to help and appreciate what they've been giving of themselves to nurse Poppop back to health, and keep my adventurous Nana happy. I hate seeing the ones I love hurting, and not being able to make them laugh, or relieve some of the intense pressure of their care from my Aunt, who happens to be another one of my best friends, has been really awful. My sister is my world. My mom is my best friend. My dad is my greatest confidante. I miss them. I miss home. I miss the smell of my house. I miss my kitties. I miss my dog. I miss joking around with my brother and making surprise lunch visits to him. I miss the smell of the fabric softener my mom uses. I miss waking up to a quiet house that's all messy with remnants from everybody running around early in the morning getting ready for school. I have an amazing family, which is something I don't, for one second, take for granted. The environment I grew up in was, and continues to be, a small but beautiful home, rich with music and love. I listen uncritically, but sadly, to stories of far from ideal upbringings of others in my life, and it just makes me want to hug my mom, but she's thousands of miles away: It sucks. While I know from experience that Skype cuddles are actually adorable and amazing, they're just not sufficient right now.
Alright, catharsis admitted, I am so, unbelievably happy. It is a gift that there is so much out there in the world worth missing, but there is just as much worth celebrating. I love living in England. I love living in York. I love the new people in my life. I'm even starting to love that while I let go of an unrealized love I'm making room in my heart for a real one to come along. I love the music I'm making. I love that I am so close to my flatmates that I can call them my family here. I love that every time I walk to the kitchen the tea kettle is warm. Life is, actually, really good.
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